“Ever fuck in a castle?” is apparently one of Evan’s go-to pickup lines.  It worked on my friend Livii some years ago, and now it worked on me too.

We were a couple days into our stay in Budapest by then, appreciating the endless debauchery that is the lifestyle of Grandio Party Hostel.  Days blur together there, so I’m not sure how the castle exactly fits into our timeline.  We definitely already had our names on the wall of the Anal Room (you get to write your name when you bang someone in there), and I may or may not have already given him head on a ferris wheel in broad daylight.  Details are fuzzy.

The Anal Room at Grandio deserves a quick aside, actually.  It’s a filthy, jizz-covered cesspool in the back, where the only rules are “no drugs” and “consent is mandatory.”  You can BYOB and fuck anyone who’s interested any time of day.  What happens in the Anal Room stays in the Anal Room…except that people are probably going to walk in on you.  For instance, one of the staff members came in and casually asked Evan a question before realizing that I was sucking his dick.  Another staff member unwittingly encountered me full on spread eagle while Evan fondled my tits with one hand and fingered me with the other.

Upon leaving the Anal Room that time, we got asked, cheekily, what we’d been doing in there.  Without missing a beat, continuing his cocky stride to go wash his hands, Evan proclaimed, “This!” and swiped his two fingers under the guy’s nose.  For real.  The rest of us just about died laughing.

But back to the castle, we went there early one afternoon to see the sights and moreover, to fuck in them.  Evan had had sex in this castle a few times before, so he knew some locations, but it ended up being exceptionally crowded that day.  We walked around for hours, stopping occasionally for more drinks, trying to scope out a secluded enough spot to simply achieve penetration.  It didn’t have to be good, we decided with a laugh, it just had to happen.  #goals.

A doorway in a semi-secluded nook appeared to be a decent option.  Not ideal, because anyone could potentially walk by at any time, but as long as we kept watch, we could probably stop what we were doing before they noticed.

It should be noted that Evan is very tall, and the obvious public sex move of doing it standing from behind was a bit difficult with the significant height differential.  I ended up with trousers dropped, on my tip-toes and leaning over, while he crouched down and attempted to stuff his dick into me.  All the while we were looking over our shoulders, anticipating being interrupted by unsuspecting passersby at any given moment.  It just didn’t work.  We couldn’t do it.

But, immediately after the attempt, we did notice a lookout point directly above us, from which any innocent tourists could enjoy the sweeping city views, including the two drunk Americans, bare-assed with their pants around their ankles.  So, yeah.  We were those people.

We continued exploring the castle grounds with beers in hand.  It was a gorgeous day, perfect for observing Budapest’s picturesque riverside.  Regardless of any castle sex, I was taking in the views from the best vantage point.  Taking in a penis would just be icing on the cake.

It got dark after dinner.  With nightfall, the tourists started to leave the area.  This was our opportunity, and we seized it.  Casually strolling around the castle grounds, hand-in-hand like a cutesy couple, we ended up in the garden behind some bushes.  We got in a good few minutes of foreplay without interruption, so it looked like this was it.  This was our chance to fuck in a castle.  Not settling for a quick and awkward bent-over bang from behind, we totally went for it.  All-out, pants-off missionary in the grass.  We didn’t just technically achieve penetration.  We fucked on the grounds of that castle.  And it was damn good!

So, if anyone pulls out “Ever fuck in a castle?” as a pickup line again, I can assuredly tell them yes.  I have, in fact, fucked in a castle.